The following was found in a desk drawer in a folder marked private while the office was being cleared for a new owner.

FINAL DRAFT

I am not surprised to see so many people here. I‘m sure you have all heard the comments going round. You know that kind of thing I mean: “we need to be there, to make sure that she actually leaves the building.” (pause for laughter) Does that bother me? Should that bother me? Well, you know what, I am glad you are all here. It gives me an opportunity to share some wisdom with you. God knows you could do with some. I know it is customary to start by expressing gratitude and maybe saying something about my team. Well let’s start with that. Do you know how much of MY time you took up with your whining? With your “I’m not happy about this.” With your “I need to prioritise my mental health.” Well, isn’t life a bitch. “I’m not happy.” Buy a helmet! I’ve got one, God knows I needed it, banging my head so many times on the glass ceiling. “I’m not happy.” Join the FUCKING CLUB! Hang on a minute, am I allowed to say the f-word? (pause for laughter)

I look at your faces now and maybe you’re right. Maybe I should have been more sympathetic. Oh diddums! Are you not going to make the deadline. Again. Well don’t you worry. Take the rest of the week off. I mean after all, you haven’t exactly done anything today anyway. You have stuff going on at home? I mean seriously?  Like I give a …. Instead, why don’t you just take a wee moment to consider this. Something immortalised by a band that deserves more due than they get – Coldplay. Yes, as I look around I see a rush of blood to the head. Let’s not forget these invaluable words (pause) “nobody said it was easy.” (pause)

And as I move on to the customary part where I talk about highlights, key moments and memories, I must cast my gaze over towards my managers (don’t forget to smile) I can’t help but remember how obvious it was right from the start. How you made it so clear to me about my place in this organisation. How much I could learn from the smug men with too much hair product. How lucky I was to be with them in their meetings. Even though all I wanted to do was open a window and let the stink of their entitlement be carried away by the wind. Nothing, and I mean nothing is ever good enough for you people. Oh! Is poor Rupert disappointed with my report? There, there. You want to mansplain to me how I could have done better? That’s fine, go ahead Roops. I am all ears. Really, I am. Sorry could you speak up? I really can’t hear what you are saying. You’ll have to speak up because everyone else here is repeatedly shouting the word DICKHEAD. So Roops I would like to take this opportunity to formally thank you and the rest of you captains for your total lack of confidence in my abilities. (pause)

Now I know what you are thinking. Who the bloody fuck does she think she is? (don’t forget to shrug) Well, one thing is certain, I am not a nose looking for a bum. And for those of you that came to work in a Nissan Micra I’m the one who makes that sound. You know what I’m talking about. Come on, don’t pretend. The sound you hear every day. The sound of the keys to MY Audi Spyder landing on my desk. (pause)

Leaving (say the company name) has not been an easy decision, (pause) sorry that was in the leaving speech template I downloaded….actually the decision was a no brainer. Of course I am excited about what lies ahead for me. A whole new start where nobody knows me and I can start all over again. Before I conclude, I’d like to say how grateful I am for the opportunity to have worked alongside such talented and supportive colleagues….sorry, that bloody template again …alongside such losers. I’d just like to offer you all, my sincerest sympathy and say how sorry I am for your loss.

As I leave, I’m reminded of a couple of quotes that have guided me throughout my career. The first is: “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” And this other one surely applies to many of you…. “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you ……a loser. (pause for laughter) Well it is finally time to say to you all  –  Bye Felicia!  I thought about wishing you all the very best of luck but there again, would any of you have the remotest idea what to do with it?